Hi, my name is Justin. I’m a pretty insignificant being. I’m just a June bug. I live life freely and uncaring. I skitter until Zack Miller or Evan Martin sets me on fire. I fall into a pit of wax, or chocolate and just drown. I’ll drown there and my death is inevitable just like yours. But the thing about it was, it wasn’t a wasted life. It was a care free and simple one. The simple beauty and love experienced was worth every breath lost in my inevitable end.
The lonely sandy mountains were once friends with the deepest seas. Then in one swift night, God cast out his hand and took the oceans away from the mountains. Then the winds came down and blew the sands away. So the sands lost everything. The sands traveled on the wind and eventually set in the dryest desert on Earth. Forever to be scorched by the burning sun. Now I don’t know much about that, but I do know there was purpose and reason behind it. It all comes together in the end. It all comes together for that one perfect moment, suspended in time, as if nothing could touch it.
Whoever is hacking into my tumblr and posting gay sex, please stop. I’m not a gay basher l, I don’t hate gay people and I don’t discriminate against someone for a choice that frankly had nothing to do with me. However this is starting to get old and upsetting. So please stop doing it. I work all day. I shouldn’t have to have to come home to deleting a bunch of shit.
Why are we in a rush to get back to a world that turned it’s back on us? Lets make our home here, just you and me my dear, next to the mountain that grows out. Why are we in a rush to get back to a world that turned it’s back on us? Lets make our home here, just you and me my dear, next to the fountain the flows out.
The river flows through the majestics of Zion. A place to live and a place to rely on. The river flows deep, it brings deepest peace. The river of gold flows brightly and cold. We set sail alone with nothing but the stories we told. The river is history, the river is ancient. The river is cold and the river is patient. The river is you. The river is I. The river is fighting. The river won’t die.
Why are we in a rush to get back to a world that turned it’s back on us? Lets make our home here, just you and me my dear, next to the mountain that grows out. Why are we in a rush to get back to a world that turned it’s back on us? Lets make our home here, just you and me my dear, next to the fountain the flows out. Our love is the river. Our love is the fountain. I’ll drink from it forever.
This really tugs at my heart and makes me cry. I wish this was out world. A free one. I wish people thought this way. I wish the Earth was peaceful. I wish this was our lives. I guess all we can do is keep trying. Eventually, there will be enough people who want to make a difference in this world, and will.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be an emperor. That’s not my business. I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone, if possible, Jew, gentile, black man, white. We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness — not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another.
In this world there is room for everyone. And the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way. Greed has poisoned men’s souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical. Our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost.
The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men, cries out for universal brotherhood, for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world — millions of despairing men, women and little children — victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people. To those who can hear me, I say — do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed — the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people and so long as men die, liberty will never perish.
Soldiers!! Don’t give yourselves to brutes — men who despise you — enslave you — who regiment your lives — tell you what to do — what to think and what to feel! Who drill you, diet you, treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don’t give yourselves to these unnatural men — machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines!! You are not cattle!! You are men!! You have the love of humanity in your heart. You don’t hate!! Only the unloved hate — the unloved and the unnatural!! Soldiers!! Don’t fight for slavery!! Fight for liberty!! In the 17th Chapter of St. Luke it is written: “The Kingdom of God is within man” — not one man nor a group of men, but in all men!! In you!! You, the people have the power — the power to create machines. The power to create happiness!! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure.
Then, in the name of democracy, let us use that power!! Let us all unite!! Let us fight for a new world, a decent world that will give men a chance to work, that will give youth the future and old age a security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power, but they lie!! They do not fulfill their promise; they never will. Dictators free themselves, but they enslave the people! Now, let us fight to fulfill that promise! Let us fight to free the world, to do away with national barriers, to do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men’s happiness.
Soldiers!! In the name of democracy, let us all unite!!” -Charlie Chaplin.
Meet me at the canvas. Where the sky is land locked blue. Where everything is perfect and there’s a portrait of me and you. Take me back to that place of reliance. We’ll stand there, you and I, with our voices screaming in silence.
Revised; & continued.
Meet me at that place and see my final descent. We’ll view the cloud blooms perfect in unison. Meet me at the place atop the cloudy peaks, the place where the word “hate” is forbidden to speak. In this place, nobody is weak, there’s just us and the beauty we are privileged to see. We’ll see the giants among common men speaking of love and peace. Taking our hearts from the mud and putting our souls at ease.
I’m just going to be completely real and unfiltered with this entry. I usually keep the language pretty clean and I don’t say some of the things I feel, but not this time. It’s my turn to be completely unfiltered.
I’m so tired of people befriending me, getting really close and then leaving without emotion or feeling or any human traces of fucking decency that we are supposed to have. It’s bullshit. How can someone treat people so horribly? How can you act like you’ve done nothing? How the fuck do you live with yourself?
I always have the highest expectations for people and I always hope in everyone, but people treat me like shit. They treat me like i’m below them and i’m not worth anything. Some people have told me i’m not good enough to be in their lives, some tell me I should kill myself and just end “my facade” I put on. You don’t understand that I am the way I am for a reason, and if you took 5 minutes to ask me how my day went for once, you’d understand what it’s like to be in my shoes.
99% of people, I could give a fuck less about. I don’t care that you treat me like crap, because your opinions mean nothing. They mean shit to me, and don’t expect that to fucking change. Don’t expect me to change because you don’t like me. I don’t give a fuck. I don’t care what your opinion is of me.
1% I do care about though, I care about their opinion as much as I may not want to, and I seriously try so damn hard not to let their negative energy get to me. But I can’t help it. I let them make me feel awful about myself. A few people in particular. I know I shouldn’t, and I try my heart out not to. But it does happen. I’m only human. I have feelings too.
I’m tired of getting stepped on and being a staircase for people. I’ve had people tell me that I showed them something they couldn’t see for themselves and that that’s the lesson they needed to learn from me. These people called me an angel, and asked me how I exist in a physical for “because of how perfect I am” but then they turn their backs and walk away so easily. This has happened with girls, guys, adults, friends, family. I seriously don’t understand it.
Maybe I never will, and honestly that’s okay. Just know that I am only human. I have feelings too and if you keep treating me like a staircase, it’s time to fucking step. My life sentence is served. I’ve been through enough pain to last me three lifetimes. I’m not going to change who I am, for you, and i’m tired of people I love dearly not accepting me.
If you loved me like you say you do, you’d accept everything about me, and not just the parts you want to accept, If you loved me like you say, you would be there for me once in a while and not just take what you can get from me.
Please, take my feelings into consideration once in a while. That’s honestly all I ask. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.
This new year of 2012 has just begun and it’s already been so much more beautiful than I could ever have expected. Especially this last week. It all starts with Vanessa Rivera and Edward Ruano.
Vanessa and Eddie drove down from Los Angeles, and we had planned things to do but those plans all kind of fell through. Specific things we wanted to do, just didn’t end up happening. I personally have always been a person to not really make plans, and just go where life seems to take me, you know?
We spent a few days together, adventuring around, seeing old faces and some new faces, finding new places, wandering aimlessly through neighborhoods looking for some sense of “I” and making new ties for new best friends. One night, we spent a night partying at my friend Bobby and Chloe’s house. I’ve never really been one to party, but I wanted to show Vanessa and Eddie a good time.
Needless to say we drank a little bit and we were feeling pretty good. Vanessa and Eddie left that night and went to another friends house, but the lingering feeling of love and missing them remained, especially after they left.
Sadly to say, the most beautiful part of the week to me, was not an experience shared with Vanessa and Eddie. Instead it was shared with my friends Logan, Bobby and Chloe. Ryan was there also, but he was busy inside when this beautiful experience happened. This was the day after Vanessa and Eddie went to another friends house. I think they were at Sierras.
Anyways, the day after they left, Logan and I woke up and decided that we would put an air mattress out on the patio deck so we could lay there while he smoked. We thought this was the greatest idea. So we put the mattress out, pillows and blankets and decided to leave it there, looking however haggard it really did look, but we didn’t seem to mind. We spent the day with Bobby and Chloe and as night came we started to drink a little bit again. Not much, but some.
At about 11:00 I called Vanessa, and she said she would see me the next day. So I went outside with Logan and we laid on the air mattress and talked about what was on our minds. Logan and I have always had this very odd connection. Stronger than most I’ve ever had with another person. It’s like we share parts of the same being. I have best friends, but with Logan, things have always been a little different. We just vibe. We vibe. We vibe. We vibe. All day. Every day.
So we lay on the air mattress, underneath the blankets and Bobby and Chloe come out. Chloe got under the blankets in the middle of us and Bobby laid across all of us. So there we were, four friends, laying in the 40 degree cold night air, some smoking, some not, some drunk, some not, just looking at the night sky like it went on and on and on forever. I really had to take a piss, but having limbs twisted around them, being completely warm, and talking took my mind off of that gut wrenching feeling. I lay there and think that this is how every single second of every day should be spent. The feeling was beautiful. In that moment, we were infinite. The laughs echoed in the night sky, and endlessly went on like they were moving through mountains and what seemed to be the rest of the world. It truly was beautiful.
I only wish that Vanessa and Eddie had been there to experience it with us.
P.S. The neighbors hate us.
I walked to the mail box that day to find my package had arrived. I studied the envelope. It was an electric yellow envelope. Probably 6 inches by 10. The writing of my address is loosely crafted with swollen sides and small corners. Whoever had written this crafted his lettering very raggedly and in a rush. Maybe whoever packed this book to send off, did not want to part with it. Maybe he wanted to keep it forever, but got desperate for cash. Maybe he wrote in such a hurry to get it over with, so he wouldn’t have to think of having to part with one of his prized possessions as he sit at his table, solemnly and unrecognized in his reflection. I think maybe this man was a great one.
Listening to the introductory of “Transatlanticism” I made my way through the plastic and the bubble wrap, soft at my finger tips. I get a strong scent of cigarette smoke as I reach the center of the package. The book lay in the middle, the center and destination of my search. It was worn, with smooth ridges and bent sides, coffee stains and cigarette burns. Maybe the man who packaged this was a smoker, or maybe he was with someone who smoked, blowing the cancerous smoke into the air, and directly into his face, causing him to spit his Coffee he had just taken a small sip of, all over the introductory page.
As I turn the pages, I get sucked in. Then on page 15, I see a bent corner of the page. Some people do this to keep track of where they had left off. This bone white page was stained, with red ink. Some parts were unreadable. I thought to myself for a moment, and realized that, that was just fine. I thought that maybe something had come up, or an accident happened. All I can really say is, this book has seen some history. It has been passed from person to person, just waiting to be read, and waiting to fill another mind with knowledge.
Maybe the great man that had sold me this book, had spilled the ink and marked the page, not bothering to unmark it as he read on. Maybe he read it with a lover, or a friend, or a brother or sister. Maybe this specific page had opened up the inner workings of his mind, and maybe he left this page marked for always, so he could go back and read a specific passage he loved. Maybe the one that had changed his outlook or his mind or maybe even his life. So I left the page marked, and read on.
The book itself, is great. I loved it. However I often find myself thinking back to the man who sold it to me, and wondering where he is now, and what he may be doing. I often wish there was a return address on the electric yellow envelope, so I can write him, and thank him for making the book a journey. I think the little things like that have depleted in today’s world. Something so small as a letter being sent to thank someone for something very small, the little things that we’ve lost touch with, are often the things that mean the most. I know for me, something as small as seeing the corner of book page, bent and stained with ink, has changed a lot in my head and brought on new imaginings and wonder for me to express.
It all started with a raggedy, coffee stained, cigarette burned copy of “The Great Gatsby” that has changed my mind about books, and even about life. It’s funny how small things can often mean the most.